I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
