I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
