Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
