SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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