She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
