Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
