We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
