i used baking grease as lip gloss
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
