No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
