I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
