dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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