So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
