they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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