Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
