just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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