If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
