Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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