I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize