Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize