he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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