her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
