I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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