The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
