I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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