I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize