Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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