I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
