My ATM looks so different sober.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
