I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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