Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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