sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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