I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
