She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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