My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
