So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
