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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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