Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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