considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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