i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
