saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize