i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
