Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
