I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
