my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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