Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
