i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize