I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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