You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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