I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
