fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
