I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
