he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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