i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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