after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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