I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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