Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
