just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
