The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
