I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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