I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
