i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
