life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
