Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
