seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
