I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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